Category Archives: Arguing

UNSETTLING AND DISCOURAGING, BUT CHALLENGING

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I can’t say with certainty when it started, but the last several years have marked an increased angry, arguing, and divided people in our nation. A lot of it, of course, goes back to Donald Trump and his presidency. However, since taking office the current administration has also led to a great deal of division, controversy, and anger among the American people.  

The anger, controversy, and division is wide and with many people also deep. Family members, longtime friends, fellow workers, and committed Christians too often engage with one another with a lack of mutual respect and an unwillingness to listen to those with whom they disagree. Name calling, abusive language, and insults doesn’t contribute anything to thoughtful discussion.

A factor that adds fuel to the fire so to speak is that some people think and act like they know more than anyone else does. Arrogance usually doesn’t make someone easier to listen to or agree with. Nor is it something that is attractive to others.

The absence of humility and common courtesy in some of our discussions, along with excessive and exaggerated claims and criticism, do not contribute to thoughtful and respectful exchanges in our conversations about things that divide us, lead to anger, or result in intense arguing.

Unfortunately, some people feel they are being rejected when someone does not agree with their position. Just because we do not agree with someone does not mean we think less of them.  

As I have watched others (mostly on TV) debate and argue about so much I have usually ended up unsettled and discouraged.  I have also been challenged to think about how I should discuss things and engage with family, friends, and others.

Here are some results of my thinking you may find helpful:

Don’t take the bait. Some people are fired up and intense when they discuss controversial things–what they want is to argue. I try not to take the bait.

Refrain from becoming angry–anger rarely is helpful and often is unhelpful.

Be respectful–listen to what is being said without interrupting.

Don’t be overly aggressive trying to change someone’s mind–many people have their own opinion and we should refrain from demeaning them.

Be gracious–if possible, agree to disagree.

None of us on our own can do away with controversy, division, different opinions, or anger. Being unsettled and discouraged by some of it is probably natural. What we can do is manage ourselves and how we conduct ourselves when we disagree.

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I AM NOT ALWAYS RIGHT

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Hopefully no one reading this post will be surprised by my confession that “I’m not always right.” Adding to the title of this post, however, it is also true that you (readers) are not always right either. The reality is that no one is always right.

Realizing that we are not always right is an important reality we need to grasp and admit (perhaps especially to ourselves). All of us I would think have been around some who think and act as though they are always right. A person who thinks he/she is always right is not attractive or someone whose company we enjoy.

Everyone, of course, is welcome to their opinion and position. But to insist that their position or opinion is always right is unbecoming to those who do not agree nor hold their position.

Have you ever wondered why some people insist they are always right? I’m thinking they may have an issue with pride and therefore an unwillingness to admit they are wrong. Some people find it demeaning to admit they are or were wrong about something–it’s hard for them not to be right.

Wanting or thinking you’re always right can lead to disagreement and argument. I usually can accept disagreement, but too often am disappointed that disagreement grows into intense argument.    

A lot of disagreements about who is right not only leads to argument, but can result in ill will between those arguing as well as a melting of mutual respect. When the back and forth moves to belittling and anger it’s time to conclude the disagreement and the argument and move on.

Don’t you get tired of being around those who always insist they are right? Why do some of us think we always have to be right? Another outgrowth of thinking one is always right is the loss of listening to what others are saying. We don’t have to agree, but we should listen even when we don’t agree.

As a person matures they usually come to the realization that they don’t have to always be right. My experience is that as I have come to accept that I am not always right I am less intense, more fun, and less often hotly arguing about things that are not that important.

I’m not always right, and I have learned that it is healthy to admit that to myself as well as to those with whom I have meaningful conversations. I am not humiliated to say those magic words: “I was wrong.” I say them to God, to my family and friends, and to others I hope will accept my honesty.

Have you come to realize you are not always right? And have you learned to say “I was wrong”?

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DISCUSS, ARGUE, OR BLOVIATE?

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I read an observation today that resonated with my take on things. Lance Witt noted, “In this election year, the amount of vicious attack and trash talking has reached a new high (or low). No matter what your political persuasion, I think you would agree that the political environment has become increasingly toxic.” I then saw the date Witt published his piece: March 11, 2016. The author’s observation was almost three and a half years ago!

Obviously it is not a new concern, but I continue to be concerned about and discouraged by the continued degradation of today’s discourse at pretty much every level. Politicians and those deeply captivated by politics seem to be leading the way, but it certainly isn’t limited to them. Verbal attack and trash talking is widespread.

There is nothing wrong with having strong beliefs and opinions, but how they are held and discussed is important. An arrogant and demeaning attitude towards others can do more damage than good.

When I was fresh out of college I had that ugly disease of thinking I knew it all. Given the opportunity to continue my education in three different graduate schools, I was exposed to a lot of religion, theology, and biblical interpretation that was far different from what I had learned and believed. I wasn’t there, however, to change anyone’s mind, but to learn – and I learned a lot.

I’m not a politician, but in my many years of being a pastor and teaching in a variety of venues, I have been involved often in controversial discussions. When it comes to Christianity, religion, the Bible, faith, doctrine, and theology there are many strong beliefs and opinions.

I wish I could say I have always been gracious and understanding, but that would not be true. In the last several years, however, I’m confident I’ve made significant progress in how I deal with those who come from a different background and have a different understanding or interpretation of the Bible and its meaning.

How are you doing when it comes to discussing controversial issues and matters? Are you respectful or demeaning? Do you listen or dominate? Do you discuss or argue? Do you bloviate? Do you give the impression that you think you know more than you do?

I wish people could say about me what one reviewer said about the author of a book dealing with controversial Christian material: “he means to speak as a friend to friends and he never comes close to being harsh or offensive.” As trite as it may seem, it is true that we can agree to disagree without destroying one another.

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PLAYING THE FOOL

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Since I take seriously Jesus’ instruction in the Sermon on the Mount not to call anyone a fool, I don’t call people fools. But that doesn’t mean I don’t at least on occasion think of someone as playing the part of a fool. And there are times when that someone I think has played the part of a fool is me.

As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, I have been reading the book of Proverbs during the month of January. When I read chapter 18 this week three verses describing the talk of fools struck and challenged me.

Here is the first of the three (verse 2) from the New Living Translation:

“Fools have no interest in understanding;
they only want to air their own opinions.”

When I read that I thought to myself “ouch!” The truth is that there have been and still are times when I have played and do play the part of a fool in some discussions. Convicted by what I read, I am hoping in the future to do better with both parts of the verse.

Here is the second of the three (verse 6) from the New Living Translation:

“Fools’ words get them into constant quarrels;
they are asking for a beating.”

The writer of Proverbs doesn’t connect verses 2 and 6, but I certainly do. Having no interest in understanding, but only in giving your own opinion, can and often does lead to arguments. I’ve never been physically beaten due to a quarrel, but I have regretted getting so heated in the back and forth when it did absolutely no good at all.

Here is the third of the three (verse 7) from the New Living Translation:

“The mouths of fools are their ruin;
they trap themselves with their lips.”

I’m not sure I fully understand this verse and wasn’t helped by other translations I checked out. My sense is that verse 7 builds on what the writer said in verses 2 and 6 taken to the extreme. Like many, I have played the part of the fool with my mouth and lips many times. Thankfully, however, my words have not led to my ruin.

As I said above, these three verses from Proverbs 18 struck and challenged me. Other chapters in the book also provide direction and warnings for the usage of our tongue, mouth, lips, and words. If you’re interested in reading more go to biblegateway.com and search these keywords out in the wisdom of Proverbs.

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